I’m on my way back to the Italian Alps.
But this time, I plan to savour it.
Or, even better, I plan to remember it.
9 years ago, I completed the Tor des Geants, a 332 km foot race along the Alta Via n॰2 and n॰1 high routes. The race travels over 25 high mountain passes and has a total elevation gain of 24 000 m (78 700 ft). Without my FM, I would not have made it to the finish line.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that it was hard. But it was hard. Grueling. Exhausting. Anguishing.
There really aren’t words to describe how deep I had to dig to cross that finish line.
About half way through this event, I hit a wall. Crying and wallowing in self-pity at a major aid station, I was ready to pull the plug and declare myself unable to carry on.
But, as I struggled with the enormity of my looming DNF, I discovered that I had another level of drive hidden beneath the surface.
It wasn’t that I was unable to carry on. I had become unwilling.
Unwilling to go without sleep. Unwilling to head out into another night. Unwilling to hike up to a high pass just to come down the other side. Unwilling to hurt for a few more days.
But despite my extreme discomfort, I was still able to do those things.
So I got my sh*t together and dragged myself out the door to suffer for another 182 km.
And as I did, something happened.
It seems that my brain shut down the parts that weren’t necessary for survival. For the rest of the race (approx 4 days), my brain didn’t make memories.
Although I was still able to put one foot in front of the other, I have no memory of the trek. Bruce took many photos and videos of me, sometimes I am chattering away, other times smiling and making jokes, and most often withdrawn.
For nine years, I have had trouble being proud of my success in this event – this event that I can’t remember. I know it must have been spectacular but looking through our photos is like scrolling through someone else’s album. I don’t connect with any of the sights.
Instead, I have a wispy, indistinct recollection of moments. My sleep deprivation caused incoherent hallucinations which left far more impact than any real experiences of the trip.
Even now, as I flip through our photo collection, I am more likely to remember the hallucinations I was having rather than connecting to the image.
So I am about to head back and trek this route on my own terms. For six days, I will fast pack the final 150 km of the Alta Via n॰1 – the section that eludes me.
I have booked myself into 5 rifugios along the AV n॰1, all of which are involved with the TdG each year, offering shelter, food and beds to racers. I visited them myself as a racer …. but I wouldn’t be able to pick them out of a line-up.
I am going to luxuriate in a half board stay at each one, wining and dining in their restaurants for dinner and indulging in their hearty breakfast offerings. I will even be able to take away a picnic lunch to enjoy along the trail.
Each day, my trekking plans are for ~25 km of travel, which will usually include 2 high mountain passes (as well as many lesser passes). I expect to walk for 8 to 10 hours each day at a pace that allows for vista enjoyment, bakery stops in towns and chances to recall those long-repressed memories.
I am so curious to see how much of the trail, rocks and mountain vistas I can recall this time around. Maybe it will feel like a week of deja vu or maybe it will all be unfamiliar and new.
Of course it will be hard. The severity of those climbs and descents was not a figment of my imagination! There may even be struggles and suffering. But I will lean into the adventure and pivot as necessary.
No matter how it goes, I will have a fully functioning brain that will allow me to take it all in and make new memories that will last.
If you’d like to read about my entire Tor des Geants experience in 2014, Click Here!
along a path 